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The schedule for the prestigious venue in the nation's capital features a playful dual-language production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Curiously absent from the public schedule is Friday's global football draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door affair. Planners likely want to keep out any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing spectacle where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly repeat the tired cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

This glitzy event is due to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will oversee a production that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of simple, lottery balls.

Set to last almost three grueling hours, the event will feature a lengthy playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, pre-vetted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Duty

Included in those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, barring an armed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any sort of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was vague. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are aware of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Football Business

With 42 countries already qualified for next year's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine air of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are ripe, even if the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-game winless run, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"